My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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