I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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