All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
