I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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