he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
