I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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