A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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