We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
