dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she pinky promised me she was 18
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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