babies were throwing up all over the place
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Randomize
