I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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