apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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