You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
