We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
