I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
