I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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