I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
