My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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