I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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