where am i from again
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
