non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
