Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
