I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
