Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
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What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
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Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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