You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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