if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Randomize
