Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
