If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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