i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
