Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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