last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
no, he came in my armpit
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
