I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
