i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
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The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
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to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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