Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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