gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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