i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
