I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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