i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
