I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
