During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
