so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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