i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
