You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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