If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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