Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
