dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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