if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
