Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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