Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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