Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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