if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Sext me about skeletons
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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