dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
