corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
