I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
