Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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