how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
