just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
