i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
